Comfortably Numb....

O.K.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.



Nothing like some Pink Floyd lyrics to succinctly say exactly how you're feeling.

I want my life back.

I want Hannah's life back. I would love nothing more than to rewind the clock by eighteen months ( or a few years) and rewrite how this thing goes down.

It seems like so many unexpected turns have culminated in such a way that we focus only on diabetes.....or the things that are going wrong in the life of a houseful of teenagers...

I kinda long for the days of skinned knees, Rocket Power on Nickelodeon, dirty faces and the kind of innocence that defies the circumstances of real life, growing up, and chronic disease. I'd like a do-over.


In reality, I have a lot to be thankful for. The good Christian girl in me feels compelled to make sure every reader knows that I trust God, believe in His sovereignty and knows that all things work together for good for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

All of the above is true. I do believe that.

But my feelings?? Meh.

We have had a victory this week. I'll spare my girl the details of having her life played out on the internet, but its the kind of victory that is monumental and enormous for us.......but just a stinking normal, irritating event in the lives of pretty much everyone on the planet.

It's great to be able to rejoice when things go like they are supposed to go. However, the contrast over what we get excited about compared to every other seventeen year old girl and her mom on the planet kind of stinks today.

Can I be that honest?

I can.



I rearranged the entire house this week. In huge ways. I'm working on a curriculum idea for publication, researching colleges and degree options for everyone I know, finishing remodeling the kitchen with the hubs and toying with the idea of writing a bible study.......all in the name of clinging to my sanity over the things I can't control.

I could write on and on about the freaking continuous monitor.
I could talk ad nauseum about the worries and fears of three kids figuring out college plans and a fourth being courted by grad schools. Seriously. What does a homeschool mom do when all four of her children move out the same summer?? Somebody tell me.

The reality is, I am tired of feeling sad. Scared. Worried. Fretful. I know that the biblically correct answer is that I should rejoice in trials and count it all joy, and yada yada yada.

I know.
But really, I'm just tired of feeling all of those feelings. I could use a cold drink and a book in my hand on a Carolina beach with a soundtrack bumping in the background and the comforting roar of the ocean....or a roomful of crazy friends who make me laugh until I cry. I want to feel. I just don't want to feel what I'm feeling.

I don't want to be comfortably numb.